Total Eclipse of the Hardt

I will firmly admit that I'm a snob. I prefer Organic Food. Wear Designer Clothes. Enjoy taking a car service from the airport. Think Manolo Blanik is a God and that it's normal to pay 400 for a pair of Jimmy Choos. Champagne is my drink of choice. I refuse to go to a club if I'm not on the list. But for some reason when I go home to Arizona, that all goes out the window. Christmas night found Mr. Arizona and I at a Dive Cowboy Karaoke Bar in Scottsdale singing Bonnie Tyler at the top of our lungs and slow dancing to those 90's classic that we all are embarrassed to say we still know by heart! And the surprising thing is- I had a blast!!! Mind you I also had a lot of alcohol, but even without the drinks I think I would still have enjoyed the evening.

Of course I went to the dive bar in a black strapless dress with a pair of red fuck-me-heels. Being from LA and more importantly in this horrible entertainment industry I'm use to having to have the perfect outfit, have to wear what's appropriate, and more importantly look put together when it calls for it but also to look designer sloppy when it doesn't. And here I was in a cocktail dress in a dive bar! Now if that happened in LA people would look at me like I was crazy. Yet somehow amongst the jeans and t-shirts I fit in. While waiting in line for the women's restroom the women in front and behind me started talking to me about my dress. So much that the woman behind me told me she couldn't stand next to me anymore because it made her wish she had dressed a little better. Now I just laughed at this because in LA that same woman would have tried to make me be the one to feel horrible about dressing up. Though in my defense I was just wearing what I had worn to Christmas dinner! But it was in the moment when I thought what the hell am I doing in LA?

I learned a lot of things this Christmas. It turns out you can take the girl out of the city and the city out of the girl! Because I spent that Christmas Night enjoying all the dive bar had to offer. Good music, good (and some really horrible) singers, a couple of slow songs to dance to, a lot of laughs, and some great company in the form of Mr. Arizona. What more could you want from Santa?!

Does Great Passion Become Love... or Disaster?

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart."
Meet Joe Black

Over the past year I have slowly learned that the passion and fire I once craved has turned into my greatest blind spot. I have always had tumultuous relationships. And I thought that the great passion that I had with these men meant that I was embarking on a great love affair. Just when I began to realize the fallacy of that statement it seemed as if a miracle had happened and Mr. Wyoming and I got back together earlier this year. Our tumultuous past had disappeared with all the months that had past. Instead of our constant fighting we got along smoothly. No arguing. No disagreements. No fireballs of problems. Though with the end of our fighting came the end of our passion. You know the kind where you can't see enough of each other and after a moment together you are tearing each other’s clothes. Usually that’s the kind of relationship that I care, and more often than not I get it. But this time around what I craved was that breakfast in bed and that movie together on a rainy night. With this change I start to think well then maybe this is love. Except that I’ve found I do need some of that passion. And I finally let him walk out of my life for good (ok know I’ve said this over and over, but I always MEAN it when I say it and I do mean it, again). I even thought it was kind of ironic that as he left my bedroom last week - Goodbye my lover was playing on my stereo. It seems like even James Blunt knew it was time for us to finally end!

But now I find myself at a crossroads. I’ve been hanging out a lot with Mr. My Harry. Even been toying with the idea of trying to convince him to give us that shot that we never had. With him I also don’t have that passion! But he’s someone that I love. And what more can you want than to be dating one of your best friends. But turns out you do need a little of that passion to make it work. And sadly it looks like we really are destined to just be friends.

But the real news of the week is that I have gone through a full circle and once accepted a date with Mr. Arizona. I will be going home to Arizona for Christmas and with those trips it always brings me back to him. And with him we still have the fire (we seem to argue every time we talk!) but the question is do we have anything besides that. I still don’t know if I can get over what happened in the beginning of last year. He’s been trying really hard to make me believe he’s sorry. But I’m worried that that is all it is. Just him making me believe VS him actually being sorry. Our fire has always equals great sex, but sex does not a relationship make. Why can't I have that fire and passion but also that loving stable relationship? It seems that passion only leads to a fireball of disasters, at least in my experience. But at the same time stable relationships usually just slowly fizzle out. Is there something in-between or is that just the myth that we single woman choose to believe? And at what point do we need to start to settle? At 27? At 30? At 40?

Does Great Passion Become Love... or Disaster?

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart."
Meet Joe Black

Over the past year I have slowly learned that the passion and fire I once craved has turned into my greatest blind spot. I have always had tumultuous relationships. And I thought that the great passion that I had with these men meant that I was embarking on a great love affair. Just when I began to realize the fallacy of that statement it seemed as if a miracle had happened and Mr. Wyoming and I got back together earlier this year. Our tumultuous past had disappeared with all the months that had past. Instead of our constant fighting we got along smoothly. No arguing. No disagreements. No fireballs of problems. Though with the end of our fighting came the end of our passion. You know the kind where you can't see enough of each other and after a moment together you are tearing each other’s clothes. Usually that’s the kind of relationship that I care, and more often than not I get it. But this time around what I craved was that breakfast in bed and that movie together on a rainy night. With this change I start to think well then maybe this is love. Except that I’ve found I do need some of that passion. And I finally let him walk out of my life for good (ok know I’ve said this over and over, but I always MEAN it when I say it and I do mean it, again). I even thought it was kind of ironic that as he left my bedroom last week - Goodbye my lover was playing on my stereo. It seems like even James Blunt knew it was time for us to finally end!

But now I find myself at a crossroads. I’ve been hanging out a lot with Mr. My Harry. Even been toying with the idea of trying to convince him to give us that shot that we never had. With him I also don’t have that passion! But he’s someone that I love. And what more can you want than to be dating one of your best friends. But turns out you do need a little of that passion to make it work. And sadly it looks like we really are destined to just be friends.

But the real news of the week is that I have gone through a full circle and once accepted a date with Mr. Arizona. I will be going home to Arizona for Christmas and with those trips it always brings me back to him. And with him we still have the fire (we seem to argue every time we talk!) but the question is do we have anything besides that. I still don’t know if I can get over what happened in the beginning of last year. He’s been trying really hard to make me believe he’s sorry. But I’m worried that that is all it is. Just him making me believe VS him actually being sorry. Our fire has always equals great sex, but sex does not a relationship make. Why can't I have that fire and passion but also that loving stable relationship? It seems that passion only leads to a fireball of disasters, at least in my experience. But at the same time stable relationships usually just slowly fizzle out. Is there something in-between or is that just the myth that we single woman choose to believe? And at what point do we need to start to settle? At 27? At 30? At 40? And as much as I like to think I’m not, does giving these men all these second and third chances mean that I really am already settling?