Lost

10 years ago I left for New York and never looked back… I've prided myself on being Confident. Independent. Strong. And most importantly determined. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was 6. I've had amazing adventures. Fallen in and out of love. Traveled. Lived all over the US. Conquered Los Angeles and made it feel more like a home than I ever imagined. I've made amazing friends. And worked places that most of the population would kill to just spend one day at. I had my life all planed out… and even though it's gone off track a few times I've always managed to end up ahead of my plan… until now. As hard as it is to admit for the first time in my life I find myself lost. And it's not just that I find myself without a job… or a guy… or a safety net of any sort… It's that I'm 100 percent lost and don't know quite where it happened.

Over the last few days I've thought a lot about my life… all that I've accomplished. All that I wanted to do. All that I expected to do in my life. And for the first time I don't know where I want my life to go. It's not turned out the way I dreamed it would be… and I've come to realize that maybe it's time to make some changes to the Hardt life plan. Though I don't know even where to begin with that…

I've also thought a lot about the people that have come in and out of it. I've thought about the boys that have come and gone… but also about the people that have helped me along the way. On Sunday I found out that the person who has shaped me the most passed away and in the next few weeks I'm heading back to New York for her funeral and that scares me. I'm scared of saying goodbye. Scared of seeing my old self in New York with all of my former hopes and dreams… but especially scared of seeing who I am now... because right now I really don't know who that is.