A letter to my younger self

On my way home tonight I got to thinking about my life. How much it’s changed in the last year, five years, 10 years, 20 years… All the things I’ve learned, all the heartache, the accomplishments, all the love, the hate, the fights, the friendships. And I thought about how everything that seemed important at the time really means nothing now, but all the things that I brushed off and thought nothing of, now seem like the only things. It’s like one of my favorite songs says- Thank God for unanswered prayers! So I thought I’d sit down tonight with a glass of champagne and toast all the amazing things in my life and write a letter to my younger self… at 12, and 16, and 21, and even 28! Because the things I know now really would have changed my life.

To me,

You are going to lead an amazing life. The life of a gypsy. A queen. A pauper. A lover. A fighter… You are going to travel the world but at the same time you are going to find home. You will cry yourself to sleep many nights, but wake up with a smile on your face more mornings than not. You are going to fall in love too many times to count. In your young 20’s you will feel like the last virgin in the world. Don’t rush it, don’t worry about it, but buy yourself a vibrator early on- it really will help! You will eventually think you are in love with a friendly Brazilian and finally be ready for everything. You just need to try not to make him into what you want him to be. He’s not a prince, not husband material, has no boyfriend qualities- but he’s the right one. You will love him, though you really won’t be in love with him… but he will always be there when you need him. And will eventually teach you that you don’t need to be in relationships with the men in you life that you love. Because having a friend that will do anything for you is worth so much more than having someone to come home to every night. You are going to meet lots of guys after him, don’t stress over them. And try not to cry too much when they break your heart. They aren’t worth it. Though when you meet a certain boy from Arizona, run- he really isn’t worth the hassle. But in your late 20’s you are going to meet someone who you think is. And he will break your heart in more ways than you thought possible. But I can’t tell you not to go into that bar and meet him. In fact walk into Q’s and fall in love with him. Because in the end he will give you back something so much more than what he was worth. Because after the heartache you will realize something that you’ve taken for granted- the friendships in your life. Because the accomplishment that you will be most proud of will be the friends in your life. Because to be someone who is worth what they all will do for you when you are at your lowest is really someone special. And that’s something that none of these guys can take away from you. And in the end you will end up so much stronger. And this guy will change your life in ways that I am only now beginning to realize. He will make you ready to actually meet the one. Ready for kids. Ready to settle down. Ready to become the person your friends actually think you are. I wish I could tell you about the man that eventually will become the only man in your life. And although I haven’t met him yet, I know he’s out there. And when we meet him, I do know we will be thankful that we didn’t end up with any of the former men in our lives. And personally I don’t want to know about him yet, because I can’t wait for that first moment when I know that he will be the man we will spend the rest of our life with.

Over the years you will spend way too much time worrying about what people think. In high school you will meet guys who you think are gods. They aren’t. And in fact eventually they will just become old, balding, Buddha bellied humans. And there will be girls that you will look up and follow throughout high school. When you get out you will realize that they really were just big fish in a small pond. And the tables will turn at sometime, and you will become the woman that they follow. But pay attention to the friends that you do have. Many of them will leave your life right after school, but a few will stay with you forever. Those friends are worth it. I cant’ tell you which ones because you need to realize that for yourself. But don’t mourn the friends you lose… the ones you keep will make up for it.

In college you will try and spread your wings. Don’t go to Cozy Soup and Burger so much. Take a yoga class- you will LOVE it. Attend more classes, the sleep isn’t worth it and you have so much time later in life to sleep. Spend more time being young. You have your entire life to be a grown up. Play a little! At the end of Sophomore year you will meet a woman who will change your life. She will let you into her family, give you a place to stay whenever you need it (complete with housekeeper), teach you the importance of a martini and happy hour at 5 every day. But most importantly she will show you the kind of woman you can only hope to become. And when you leave New York you will think you don’t have enough time to keep in touch with her and her family that had become your own. And you will put it off and always think you have more time later. But you don’t. And you will lose her just when you probably could use her advice the most. And that’s when you will learn one of life’s most valuable lessons. Tell the ones that you love that you love them. Call them whenever you can. See them even when you think you have more important things to do. And never take for granted that they will always be there for you, because one day you will look for them and they will be gone. I can only hope that someday I will live up to her memory. But at the same time you will meet a boy that will change how you view men. And not in the way that you’d expect- but he will become the man that you can depend on most. And when he tries to back out of going to a Playwrights “hook up party” you will need to do everything in your power to make sure he goes. Because there he will meet the love of his life, who will become the second woman who will change your life. They will continually show you that there are such things as soul mates, teach you the meaning of friendship, and more importantly show you that blood does not determine your family. Because they will become your family. And make sure you keep your Tuesday nights free, because dinner with them will become the highlight of you week. And try and take to heart when they don’t like the boys in your life, and as much as you think they are wrong- they will tend to be right. But again that’s a lesson you will have to learn on your own.

After college you will move to Los Angeles by yourself. And that’s where you will truly find yourself. Try not to spend so much money. Try and enjoy life a little more. Take up surfing earlier it will come to be your savior. Don’t worry about missing New York and the people in it! Those that you love from school will move to you- Jonathan, Anne, Lisa, Brian they all will migrate west later on. This also is when you will start to find your career. You will flirt from job to job. But try not to let that get you down. You will do amazing things. You will meet the people that everyone else in the world only dreams about. But never lose that feeling you will have on your first film. The wonder, and excitement, and nervousness, and the feeling that you can take over the world. Keep that with you. You are going to learn to love champagne and soy. Trade cheese fries for hummus and carrots. You will learn to live on brie and mimosas. But at the same time a vegan meal will always make you salivate. You will finally get that body you’ve always wanted, not without going hungry and a lot of exercise. But it’s worth it. Kickboxing is the best way to get over a break up. And a run on the beach will always clear your head.

Take the criticism from your parents with a grain of salt. But remember that although they will always be your harshest critics, they also will become your biggest supporters. Try and show them that the path you lead is the only one for you. But at the same time remember that they do only want the best for you, and they only want you to have everything that they never imagined. Mom is going to get sick. But take her words of wisdom at the beginning as truth- Breast Cancer is not a life sentence. Because it’s not! But spend as much time with her as possible anyways! And Dad will give you a piece of advice that will help you later on, he will tell you that the outdoors and the sun will get right of anything that ails you. That is the truth. You feel and look better with a tan, so get outside and enjoy it!

And before you know it the strange land that is Los Angeles will become the home that you always imagined. You will meet amazing people. You will surround yourself with a group of friends that you can’t even imagine. They will be a hodgepodge of people that you’ve met over the years. Some are from Elementary School, some High School, some College, some from Universal, Warner Brothers, New Line, various Films and TV shows but they will become your family. Never doubt that they are there. And every time you think you are at your lowest, call one of them up. Without fail they will cheer you up and remind you just how great your life can be- usually with a mimosas or a shot but ALWAYS with a smile! But at the same time make sure you know when they need cheering up. You will be with them when your mom gets sick, when theirs do, through break ups, and heartache, and fights, and loss of jobs, loss of pets, and mid-20’s crisis, and weddings, and funerals, and movie premieres and more events and days than you can imagine!

Just remember through everything you are going through- you will lead a truly extraordinary life. Get out and enjoy it. You are going to stumble many times but always get up better and stronger. Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't worry too much about your looks, you will grow into them. Learn to love your nose, because you will break it and actually miss the one you had! Laugh as much as possible! And if you ever need anything just know that I’m right here going through it all with you!

Me.