Broken Illusions.

"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes...just be an illusion”

I never really thought of what would happen when Mr. Arizona and I ended for good. I guess I never thought that through. I knew when he told me he couldn’t do long distance that we didn’t have the future we wanted but at the same time I always had hope. Three weeks ago his Grandmother passed away. Now to understand a little but about Mr. Arizona and women you have to understand his past. Now this isn’t making any excuses for him. It’s just a little insight into his brain. When he was in elementary school his mother was killed in a car crash leaving his father to raise 5 boys, two which where twin babies. Now I don’t know the entire story of what happened, but I can’t imagine it would have been easy for a single dad to raise this family. As it happens his father met someone and married her within a year. Until recently he has hated his stepmom. Growing up disliking the main female influence in his life he turned to his Grandmother to raise him. So you can imagine that when she passed away it was like losing his mom again. Now I don’t know all the details, but I do know that I was the first person that he called. And despite our past of course I was there for him. He went back to Wisconsin for the funeral and while there I heard stories of how he showed his family all the pictures of his trip to Los Angeles and even portrayed us as being together still. As soon as he got back to Arizona he called me and told me that he wanted us to make a real try and could I come out to Arizona so we can work things out, with the possibility of him looking for a job out here in Los Angeles.

I was so shocked by the phone call I started shaking. Here is the man I thought I would marry offering to give me everything that I had every wanted. But there was a voice inside me that was hesitant. I had been down this road with Mr. Wyoming. He too had told me I was the one. He too had move back to Los Angeles to be with me. And he in turn left me right after. I told Mr. Arizona that I needed time to think about it. To say he took it bad is putting it mildly, but he told me he would give me however much time I needed. I woke up that next day knowing that he was the one I wanted to be with. Knowing that I was ready to make that leap. So I called him right up and left him a voice mail saying that yes I would fly out to Phoenix. As soon as I hung up I started to look into flights. I thought it was weird that I didn’t hear from him that night but knew he was busy getting back to work. So the next day I called and left him a message about how excited I was to come out and emailed him flight options… 2 weeks later and I’m still waiting for that call back. And that answer is no, it doesn’t get any easier. Every day my heart is still breaking at the thought of him. Every day I shed just one more tear thinking about what could have been. I’ll never know what happened. I’m sure he was just scared as always. But this time I’m not waiting around to find out. And as much as I love him, it’s time to finally let go. Let go of the past. Let go of my ideas of the future. Because for once I want to find the guy who won’t be able to let me go. Looks like this time this traveler is staying on the ground…