Sometimes it's the deaths that bring us back.

Going back to New York for Stephs Funeral opened my eyes to a lot of things… most are still too hard to put into words. And it brought back a lot of memories, as did walking around out old haunts. It’s funny how we take millions of pictures but forget the moments in which they were taken. Sure we can remember the place or the people in them. But we forget how we felt… But then sometimes when we least expect it those forgotten memories sneak up on us. I can’t explain why, but over the last few days I’ve had those millions of memories come flooding back to me. Sitting on the steps of Weinstein, passing the arch in Washington Square Park, eating ice cream at Serendipity it made me very nostalgic for New York, for being in college and for the Hardt that I was in college. I started remembering the dinner parties we use to throw at Steph and Jims (plus the real reason that the screen door broke!). Packing up all my stuff with Lisa and Brian before I moved to Los Angeles, just 3 days before September 11th. The way the city looked at 2am when you would leave the bar and it was all of a sudden transformed under a blanket of white after the first snow. The come with your heart on party at Turnip Theatre every Valentines Day that Steph threw. Those summers wondering through central park with nothing to do but enjoy life. Reading on a rainy days in the indoor garden at the Met. All those horrible Playwrights 3rd year shows and spending Sundays at Tech Rehearsals with Krispy Cream donuts (odd memories I know!). Freshman year when Jonathan was next door (well that hasn’t changed!) and Anne was just down the street. When the hardest thing in my life was getting up in the morning for 8am warm up class (which I attended in my pajamas more than once!). All those Saturdays my Dad would come out just for the day to see one of my shows and we would wonder around the city just the two of us. Taking that horrible trolley home to Water Street every day and the walk up to school through China Town and Little Italy. Drinks at the World Trade Center the weekend of The Niger Trial (it was a play, I’m not a racist!). My graduation lunch at The Boathouse in Central Park where I thought my father was the coolest guy ever because he palmed the hostess to get us a table. Watching Rent with my Mother (I might not be able to remember all the Broadway shows I’ve seen but I will always remember my first!). Running through Battery Park on the weekends when there was no one around. Walking through a blizzard to work in a snow suit (everyone laughed but hey at least I was warm!). That feeling that I could do anything I wanted, be anyone, go anywhere. A time before heartbreak, when I was sure that a prince charming was just around the corner and I couldn’t wait to finally lose my virginity. When a cheese burger and cheese fries at Cozy Soup and Burger could cure everything. And a boat ride to Staten Island would clear my head. Those 2am trips to Coney Island just to see the ocean (even though it was in the middle of winter and snowing out!). Being ok with who I was, where I was going… when I thought I’d never leave New York. Still thought I’d make my first million before I was 30, meet the man of my dreams at 28, get engaged at 29, and then married at 30. When I thought I’d have a bakers dozen of kids running around the city… I know that these memories will always be with me, I have tokens and pictures to remind me, plus friends to reminisce with… if only I could have kept with me that feeling of being invincible, because over the years I’ve lost that naïve NYU Student… instead I’m harden, and realistic, prone to the melodramatic, obsessive, a little insecure… but just for one day I’d like to go back in time and just breath in who I use to be.

Lost

10 years ago I left for New York and never looked back… I've prided myself on being Confident. Independent. Strong. And most importantly determined. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was 6. I've had amazing adventures. Fallen in and out of love. Traveled. Lived all over the US. Conquered Los Angeles and made it feel more like a home than I ever imagined. I've made amazing friends. And worked places that most of the population would kill to just spend one day at. I had my life all planed out… and even though it's gone off track a few times I've always managed to end up ahead of my plan… until now. As hard as it is to admit for the first time in my life I find myself lost. And it's not just that I find myself without a job… or a guy… or a safety net of any sort… It's that I'm 100 percent lost and don't know quite where it happened.

Over the last few days I've thought a lot about my life… all that I've accomplished. All that I wanted to do. All that I expected to do in my life. And for the first time I don't know where I want my life to go. It's not turned out the way I dreamed it would be… and I've come to realize that maybe it's time to make some changes to the Hardt life plan. Though I don't know even where to begin with that…

I've also thought a lot about the people that have come in and out of it. I've thought about the boys that have come and gone… but also about the people that have helped me along the way. On Sunday I found out that the person who has shaped me the most passed away and in the next few weeks I'm heading back to New York for her funeral and that scares me. I'm scared of saying goodbye. Scared of seeing my old self in New York with all of my former hopes and dreams… but especially scared of seeing who I am now... because right now I really don't know who that is.

A New City, A New Nose and apparently my very own blog Stalker!

A month ago I had a pretty serious surfing accident that landed me in the hospital with a broken nose and a very serious concussion. After getting it re-broken and moved over I have had a nice little cast on it… and this morning, at about 4am to be exact, I decided to sneak the cast off… figuring I could just put it back on and the doctor would never be the wiser… and I was right about that part. But what I wasn't right about was how it would look. Since I hadn't seen it post surgery, I was envisioning my old nose only better! What I didn't expect was that it would still be bruised, a grayish color, and more bumpy than when I went in… so after about an hour of crying- turns out that doesn't make it look any better! I slipped the cast back on and went back to the surgeon to show him the bad news.

After the exhaustion of the night before, the disappointment in men from the week prior, and a serious depression due to looking like the elephant woman- I was hoping to sneak home after work, pour myself a bottle of wine, shut the blinds, turn off the lights, and hibernate until Monday. But my girls in San Diego had other plans for me… but turns out a weekend down south was just what I needed!!!

This weekend was already going to be spent avoiding my Mr. High School (he broke up with me the week I broke my nose after I missed our weekend in San Diego- DUE TO BEING IN THE HOSPITAL) so when I saw how horrible I still looked I made it my mission to avoid him. So of course when I found out the a friends party was at the bar around the corner from his house I panicked. And you can imagine my panic when while there I felt a tap on my shoulder. Just knowing it was him I turned around with dread to only come face to face with 2 girls from my past, one was my high school nemesis and the other one apparently was a former friend who I had a feud with and we made each others lives hell (though I say apparently because I don't remember her at all!). The funny thing about running into people from your past is that you worry so much about yourself that you don't take into consideration that they are also doing the same. There I was worrying about my nose and the first thing that came out of my old nemesis mouth was- Hey so I've been keeping up with you the past couple of years on your blog... My mouth just drooped. I don't know why friends of mine would not get bored with my ramblings about my sex life, but to know that people from my past were also reading them was a little mind blowing...

So after 3 days of constantly flowing alcohol, more food than I've consumed in the last month, 1 night of serous dancing, 2 days of laying out by the pool, some old friends that I have missed, some old enemies I have not, some singing, some laughing, some flirting, a beach, a spa, some pole dancing, a chance encounter with my very own blog stalker, a 100 dollar "profit", and a road trip mix- I am back to my old tricks! The bump on the nose has gone down. My tan has come back. The hair's a little blonder. And my smile a bit bigger! Look out San Diego- I'm back next weekend… You better be ready for me!

But in the meantime here's a little taste...

The importance of a Martini

The last few months have been hard ones for me… My life seems to be on a rollercoaster that I’m not use to. Too many goodbyes. And funerals. And ends. And changes… but it's the goodbye that I couldn't say that is going to haunt me the longest. We all work too many hours. Have too many things to do. Not enough time in the day. Don't get enough sleep… but in the end those are all selfish excuses that we tell ourselves… for the last few years I have been using my job and my life as an excuse to why I haven't stayed in touch with many people in my life. I've let some friendships fall by the wayside due to time and distance. I left New York 5 years ago and have never looked back. I have seen friends at Weddings and reunions and a few short trips back east… but have basically gone on with my life… Over the last year I have tried to make a trip back to New York multiple times and every time something has come up… A new job. A trip to Vegas that I just had to go on. A new pair of shoes instead of a plane ticket. It has never seemed all that urgent for me to get back… after all it's only been a couple of years and the city and my friends will still there… It is that selfish thought that has been running through my head… And today it became really apparent how selfish that really was... How selfish I was.

A year and a half into my stay in New York I met someone who would change my life forever- Stephanie Martini. She took me into her family and made me feel at home in a city that could have easily swallowed me up… and outside of my parents she is the person who had the most influence on shaping who I am. I only wish I could have told her exactly how much… She would have been the most surprised and proud of who I have become and how much I have changed my life… Most of you have made fun of my "Martha Stewart" ways. My crazy healthy eating habits. My inability to serve chips out of a plastic bag. My fondness for cocktail hours and more importantly martini glasses. The hatred of parties with plastic cups… That is all because of Stephanie. She introduced me to Cosmopolitans before they became fashionable on Sex in the City. Taught me to love Vegetarian food and yoga. Set me up with my first Apartment in Los Angeles. Let me stay in their apartment whenever I needed a place to crash, be it for a night, a weekend, or a summer. Over the last year I have reminded myself to call or email her, and yet something always came up that I felt was more important. When I found out she was sick I tried numerous times to write her an email but nothing seemed adequate... I told myself that when she is feeling better we will be able to catch up… turns out that I am not going to get that chance. And that it something I will always regret.

So I sit here tonight and tell you to stop making excuses. You have the time! You aren't that busy! Your job isn't that important! That phone call only takes a minute. That email even less. Don't sit there saying there is always tomorrow. Because there isn't. Don't waste the time. Tell that person that you love them. Catch up with that friend that you've lost touch with. Hug whoever it is that you come home to. Call your family, your friends, your lover… everyone who touches your life. Show them that you care. It doesn't take a lot to say thank you. We come in and out of each other lives so easily… and it's just as easy to remember as it's been to forget. My father told me something when I was little… it didn't mean anything to me then, but the older I get the more I realize how right he was. He told me it is better to regret the things we have done, than to regret the things we were to afraid to do… Don't let fear, or time, or ambivalence stop you… because at the end of the day you don't want to look back and know that it's too late.

To my family and friends!

Bailey: You know as well as I do it's not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you...that's all that matters.
Greys Anatomy

This weekend I learned the true meaning of friendship- and once again it was taught to me by my parents… Saturday morning while in Arizona I got a call from one of their closest friends- after a long battle with cancer her husband had passed away. But at the time, all that she knew was she couldn't wake him up. And the first call after 911 was to my Dad to come over to help. He drove right over there and forced his way through the police, through the doctor, through the fire department... After he was told that he was not allowed into the house, he went across the street to our neighbor, the district attorney- who of course made the police let my father into the house. The rest of the day was spent in a blur of activity. My day was spent watching their 6 year old granddaughter so she didn't have to watch what was going on, my mom started in on the list of friends and relatives that Dottie had given her to call and let them know that Bob has passed away, and my father stayed with Dottie to help make the arrangements and deal with anything and everything that came up… sometime you make friends that change your life… and sometime you make some that are worth living for.

Thanks to all my friends, near and far… Because I know I'm not the easiest person. I'm stubborn. And grumpy. And a huge perfectionist. I'm a snob. I'm extremely bitchy and judgmental… and yet many of you see those things and somehow make them into qualities to be admired for… so thank you for spending the last year with me. Thanks for reminding me that I may be single but I'm not alone. Thanks for sitting on the beach with me this morning and cheering me on while I surfed. Thanks for singing me happy birthday starting last night. Thanks for going to Arizona with me and being a good enough wingman to make sure I meet a new Mr. Arizona for my birthday. Thanks for the emails. Text messages. Songs. Cakes. Cards. My space messages. Calls. And for just thinking of me... not just today… but for everyday of the past year. It's been a bumpy ride so far- but personally I can't wait to see what the next half has in store for me!

Broken Illusions.

"Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes...just be an illusion”

I never really thought of what would happen when Mr. Arizona and I ended for good. I guess I never thought that through. I knew when he told me he couldn’t do long distance that we didn’t have the future we wanted but at the same time I always had hope. Three weeks ago his Grandmother passed away. Now to understand a little but about Mr. Arizona and women you have to understand his past. Now this isn’t making any excuses for him. It’s just a little insight into his brain. When he was in elementary school his mother was killed in a car crash leaving his father to raise 5 boys, two which where twin babies. Now I don’t know the entire story of what happened, but I can’t imagine it would have been easy for a single dad to raise this family. As it happens his father met someone and married her within a year. Until recently he has hated his stepmom. Growing up disliking the main female influence in his life he turned to his Grandmother to raise him. So you can imagine that when she passed away it was like losing his mom again. Now I don’t know all the details, but I do know that I was the first person that he called. And despite our past of course I was there for him. He went back to Wisconsin for the funeral and while there I heard stories of how he showed his family all the pictures of his trip to Los Angeles and even portrayed us as being together still. As soon as he got back to Arizona he called me and told me that he wanted us to make a real try and could I come out to Arizona so we can work things out, with the possibility of him looking for a job out here in Los Angeles.

I was so shocked by the phone call I started shaking. Here is the man I thought I would marry offering to give me everything that I had every wanted. But there was a voice inside me that was hesitant. I had been down this road with Mr. Wyoming. He too had told me I was the one. He too had move back to Los Angeles to be with me. And he in turn left me right after. I told Mr. Arizona that I needed time to think about it. To say he took it bad is putting it mildly, but he told me he would give me however much time I needed. I woke up that next day knowing that he was the one I wanted to be with. Knowing that I was ready to make that leap. So I called him right up and left him a voice mail saying that yes I would fly out to Phoenix. As soon as I hung up I started to look into flights. I thought it was weird that I didn’t hear from him that night but knew he was busy getting back to work. So the next day I called and left him a message about how excited I was to come out and emailed him flight options… 2 weeks later and I’m still waiting for that call back. And that answer is no, it doesn’t get any easier. Every day my heart is still breaking at the thought of him. Every day I shed just one more tear thinking about what could have been. I’ll never know what happened. I’m sure he was just scared as always. But this time I’m not waiting around to find out. And as much as I love him, it’s time to finally let go. Let go of the past. Let go of my ideas of the future. Because for once I want to find the guy who won’t be able to let me go. Looks like this time this traveler is staying on the ground…

Who says you can't go home?

"Thanks, and for more than for just what you said… For everything over the years. For loving me. For believing in me. For being you"
Mr. Wyoming

This has been a really hard weekend- one that I can’t go into too much detail about. But it’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I flew out to Arizona for a biopsy my mom was having. Two years ago she was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. Luckily they caught it really early and after a lumpectomy and radiation she was cancer-free. This year they found a lump in her neck so large that when she turns certain angles you can see it poking out. Unfortunately the doctor didn't have any miracle news for her. We will have to wait another two weeks for the biopsy reports to come back. She said pretty much what we thought- that of the two nodules one will be fine with no problems and one is the cancerous one. Of course the one that has no problem is the large one that is pressing against her neck- so yes the entire thyroid most likely will have to come out. In the next two weeks we will be able to confirm if it is thyroid cancer or if her breast cancer has metastasized. After that we will be able to figure out the best treatment and start this fun process once again. She's holding up really well. She has her good days and bad. On her good days she's off golfing, at her painting class, playing bunko with the girls. Basically just enjoying everything that life has to offer. On her bad days she in a lot more pain, is tired, sore, annoyed with all the doctors for not being able to help her and basically just giving up on ever having a cure. That was the hardest part for me to see while I was at home. To have my vibrant mother reduced to trying to pick fights with my father and I just because she is nervous and is having a hard time handling everything. You can imagine this trip home involved a lot of yelling, screaming, and tears.

It also was a hard trip because of my beloved dog- Sooner. It looks like he had a stroke on Saturday, and he has been having a hard time walking over the past few months. So we discussed what needs to be done with him, if it should be at home, and if I wanted to be there when it happens. He gets a month or two reprieve based on selfish reasons on our family's part- the only thing that made my mom feel better after her first surgery was him laying in bed with her. So until she gets through all this she wants him right there besides her. It will be bitter sweet when she finally ends her treatments because it will be mean saying goodbye to someone who has been my shadow for the last 17 years.

Of course the entire weekend wasn't horrible. I got to spend a lot of time with both of my parents. I got to eat my favorite meals. I got to spend a lot of time in the sun, oh I've missed that hot Arizona sun! And spent a drunken night on the town with Mr. Arizona with no worries and a lot of laughs. I hiked my favorite Mountain and got a little easy rock climbing in. Though in the end I really missed being with everyone in LA. It's going to be a hard couple of month going back and forth and eventually staying for weeks at a time in Phoenix. Because sometimes on a Saturday night what I need more than anything is to have a couple of glasses with my girls and go back to a simpler time. Where parents aren't sick. And dogs are just puppies. Where boys are things are avoid. And the sun meant we could stay out a few more hours before we had to be home. Because sometimes in the winter that sunset comes just a little too fast.

When you wish on a star...

The last couple of weeks have been crazy , filled with a lot of surprises. And for once I’m actually afraid that talking about it will get rid of all the magic of the last few weeks. Of course I have been back in reality for the last couple of days and slowly that magic has worn off and I've had to look long and hard at what I want. But in the meantime for once here is a story about someone visiting me, instead of me traveling to them!

After that fateful Christmas night it was apparent to both Mr. Arizona and I that our time together wasn’t over. As soon as I left for Los Angeles he did what any good hero would do, got himself on one of the next planes and came out to spend New Years with me. I didn’t know what to expect. I was hoping for was a fun New Years Eve fling. And just praying it wouldn't end in the complete disaster that was his last visit. But instead I somehow ended up falling in love with him. Now the trip wasn't perfect by a long shot. We of course managed to argue, have a little New Years Eve debacle, spend way too much time worrying about our families’ reaction to us, and way too much energy talking about our past (failed) relationships. But somehow in that imperfection of the weekend- there was kind of a perfect quality to it. We spent New Year’s Eve Day on the beach in Hermosa and rode bikes down to Balboa Island. Laughing and frolicking along the way, complete with hand holding and dolphins! And then continued our Los Angeles tour and spent New Year’s day hiking up in the Santa Monica Mountains and then Mimosas and brunch on the beach in Malibu at Paradise Cove. And really that’s what it was- Paradise. I think I will always remember the smile on his face as we hiked Coral Canyon. Forever cemented in my mind as our place. There was almost a magical quality as we hiked over the boulders and up the waterfalls. And I know how cheese it sounds, but it was like we found a little place of our own. Where time stands still. Where there was no one else in the world. And for the 2 hours it was just us. No problems. No distances. No airplane rides. Just Mr. Arizona and Hardt.

When he left yesterday I figured we would go back to our usual parting of the ways when either of us leaves town. We would text and chat for a bit. Slowly back away from one another until the next thing we know we haven't spoken for months until I am back in Phoenix and we begin it all again. But turns out this time I don’t want that. I have found myself missing having him around. For New Years I promised that I would finally take the bull by the horns and start living the life I want to live- So here goes- this is me just going for it. Despite all the reasons why we shouldn't. Despite all the distance between us. Despite all the past hurts we have inflicted on each other. And despite all the other people in our lives, I think we deserve a chance. A chance to see where this is going… A chance to see the possibilities. And maybe this time we might just surprise ourselves.