Don't always judge a book by it's cover...

When everyone thinks of Havasu what they think of is an endless party filled with topless girls, orgies, stripper poles and Copper Canyon... what they don't see is the beauty of the place. It has the most amazing sunsets and equally amazing sunrises if you can get up early enough to see one. There is something about the mix of blue water and red mountains all around it that makes it just breath taking. This was my favorite spot in all of Havasu. It's a 20 minute hike to get here from the Estuary but worth it. Sometimes you find what you are looking for in the place that you least expected it. The trick is to just let go of any expectations, any ideas of what you want, any plans you have and learn to just appreciate what is in front of you. Because sometimes you may just be surprised what you find when you go a little bit off your well beaten path!

Here is my little spot of paradise in the middle of chaos...

To my family and friends!

Bailey: You know as well as I do it's not about what you look like, or your job, or how successful you are. It's about having people in your life that you love and who love you...that's all that matters.
Greys Anatomy

This weekend I learned the true meaning of friendship- and once again it was taught to me by my parents… Saturday morning while in Arizona I got a call from one of their closest friends- after a long battle with cancer her husband had passed away. But at the time, all that she knew was she couldn't wake him up. And the first call after 911 was to my Dad to come over to help. He drove right over there and forced his way through the police, through the doctor, through the fire department... After he was told that he was not allowed into the house, he went across the street to our neighbor, the district attorney- who of course made the police let my father into the house. The rest of the day was spent in a blur of activity. My day was spent watching their 6 year old granddaughter so she didn't have to watch what was going on, my mom started in on the list of friends and relatives that Dottie had given her to call and let them know that Bob has passed away, and my father stayed with Dottie to help make the arrangements and deal with anything and everything that came up… sometime you make friends that change your life… and sometime you make some that are worth living for.

Thanks to all my friends, near and far… Because I know I'm not the easiest person. I'm stubborn. And grumpy. And a huge perfectionist. I'm a snob. I'm extremely bitchy and judgmental… and yet many of you see those things and somehow make them into qualities to be admired for… so thank you for spending the last year with me. Thanks for reminding me that I may be single but I'm not alone. Thanks for sitting on the beach with me this morning and cheering me on while I surfed. Thanks for singing me happy birthday starting last night. Thanks for going to Arizona with me and being a good enough wingman to make sure I meet a new Mr. Arizona for my birthday. Thanks for the emails. Text messages. Songs. Cakes. Cards. My space messages. Calls. And for just thinking of me... not just today… but for everyday of the past year. It's been a bumpy ride so far- but personally I can't wait to see what the next half has in store for me!

Who says you can't go home?

"Thanks, and for more than for just what you said… For everything over the years. For loving me. For believing in me. For being you"
Mr. Wyoming

This has been a really hard weekend- one that I can’t go into too much detail about. But it’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I flew out to Arizona for a biopsy my mom was having. Two years ago she was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. Luckily they caught it really early and after a lumpectomy and radiation she was cancer-free. This year they found a lump in her neck so large that when she turns certain angles you can see it poking out. Unfortunately the doctor didn't have any miracle news for her. We will have to wait another two weeks for the biopsy reports to come back. She said pretty much what we thought- that of the two nodules one will be fine with no problems and one is the cancerous one. Of course the one that has no problem is the large one that is pressing against her neck- so yes the entire thyroid most likely will have to come out. In the next two weeks we will be able to confirm if it is thyroid cancer or if her breast cancer has metastasized. After that we will be able to figure out the best treatment and start this fun process once again. She's holding up really well. She has her good days and bad. On her good days she's off golfing, at her painting class, playing bunko with the girls. Basically just enjoying everything that life has to offer. On her bad days she in a lot more pain, is tired, sore, annoyed with all the doctors for not being able to help her and basically just giving up on ever having a cure. That was the hardest part for me to see while I was at home. To have my vibrant mother reduced to trying to pick fights with my father and I just because she is nervous and is having a hard time handling everything. You can imagine this trip home involved a lot of yelling, screaming, and tears.

It also was a hard trip because of my beloved dog- Sooner. It looks like he had a stroke on Saturday, and he has been having a hard time walking over the past few months. So we discussed what needs to be done with him, if it should be at home, and if I wanted to be there when it happens. He gets a month or two reprieve based on selfish reasons on our family's part- the only thing that made my mom feel better after her first surgery was him laying in bed with her. So until she gets through all this she wants him right there besides her. It will be bitter sweet when she finally ends her treatments because it will be mean saying goodbye to someone who has been my shadow for the last 17 years.

Of course the entire weekend wasn't horrible. I got to spend a lot of time with both of my parents. I got to eat my favorite meals. I got to spend a lot of time in the sun, oh I've missed that hot Arizona sun! And spent a drunken night on the town with Mr. Arizona with no worries and a lot of laughs. I hiked my favorite Mountain and got a little easy rock climbing in. Though in the end I really missed being with everyone in LA. It's going to be a hard couple of month going back and forth and eventually staying for weeks at a time in Phoenix. Because sometimes on a Saturday night what I need more than anything is to have a couple of glasses with my girls and go back to a simpler time. Where parents aren't sick. And dogs are just puppies. Where boys are things are avoid. And the sun meant we could stay out a few more hours before we had to be home. Because sometimes in the winter that sunset comes just a little too fast.

Total Eclipse of the Hardt

I will firmly admit that I'm a snob. I prefer Organic Food. Wear Designer Clothes. Enjoy taking a car service from the airport. Think Manolo Blanik is a God and that it's normal to pay 400 for a pair of Jimmy Choos. Champagne is my drink of choice. I refuse to go to a club if I'm not on the list. But for some reason when I go home to Arizona, that all goes out the window. Christmas night found Mr. Arizona and I at a Dive Cowboy Karaoke Bar in Scottsdale singing Bonnie Tyler at the top of our lungs and slow dancing to those 90's classic that we all are embarrassed to say we still know by heart! And the surprising thing is- I had a blast!!! Mind you I also had a lot of alcohol, but even without the drinks I think I would still have enjoyed the evening.

Of course I went to the dive bar in a black strapless dress with a pair of red fuck-me-heels. Being from LA and more importantly in this horrible entertainment industry I'm use to having to have the perfect outfit, have to wear what's appropriate, and more importantly look put together when it calls for it but also to look designer sloppy when it doesn't. And here I was in a cocktail dress in a dive bar! Now if that happened in LA people would look at me like I was crazy. Yet somehow amongst the jeans and t-shirts I fit in. While waiting in line for the women's restroom the women in front and behind me started talking to me about my dress. So much that the woman behind me told me she couldn't stand next to me anymore because it made her wish she had dressed a little better. Now I just laughed at this because in LA that same woman would have tried to make me be the one to feel horrible about dressing up. Though in my defense I was just wearing what I had worn to Christmas dinner! But it was in the moment when I thought what the hell am I doing in LA?

I learned a lot of things this Christmas. It turns out you can take the girl out of the city and the city out of the girl! Because I spent that Christmas Night enjoying all the dive bar had to offer. Good music, good (and some really horrible) singers, a couple of slow songs to dance to, a lot of laughs, and some great company in the form of Mr. Arizona. What more could you want from Santa?!

Does Great Passion Become Love... or Disaster?

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart."
Meet Joe Black

Over the past year I have slowly learned that the passion and fire I once craved has turned into my greatest blind spot. I have always had tumultuous relationships. And I thought that the great passion that I had with these men meant that I was embarking on a great love affair. Just when I began to realize the fallacy of that statement it seemed as if a miracle had happened and Mr. Wyoming and I got back together earlier this year. Our tumultuous past had disappeared with all the months that had past. Instead of our constant fighting we got along smoothly. No arguing. No disagreements. No fireballs of problems. Though with the end of our fighting came the end of our passion. You know the kind where you can't see enough of each other and after a moment together you are tearing each other’s clothes. Usually that’s the kind of relationship that I care, and more often than not I get it. But this time around what I craved was that breakfast in bed and that movie together on a rainy night. With this change I start to think well then maybe this is love. Except that I’ve found I do need some of that passion. And I finally let him walk out of my life for good (ok know I’ve said this over and over, but I always MEAN it when I say it and I do mean it, again). I even thought it was kind of ironic that as he left my bedroom last week - Goodbye my lover was playing on my stereo. It seems like even James Blunt knew it was time for us to finally end!

But now I find myself at a crossroads. I’ve been hanging out a lot with Mr. My Harry. Even been toying with the idea of trying to convince him to give us that shot that we never had. With him I also don’t have that passion! But he’s someone that I love. And what more can you want than to be dating one of your best friends. But turns out you do need a little of that passion to make it work. And sadly it looks like we really are destined to just be friends.

But the real news of the week is that I have gone through a full circle and once accepted a date with Mr. Arizona. I will be going home to Arizona for Christmas and with those trips it always brings me back to him. And with him we still have the fire (we seem to argue every time we talk!) but the question is do we have anything besides that. I still don’t know if I can get over what happened in the beginning of last year. He’s been trying really hard to make me believe he’s sorry. But I’m worried that that is all it is. Just him making me believe VS him actually being sorry. Our fire has always equals great sex, but sex does not a relationship make. Why can't I have that fire and passion but also that loving stable relationship? It seems that passion only leads to a fireball of disasters, at least in my experience. But at the same time stable relationships usually just slowly fizzle out. Is there something in-between or is that just the myth that we single woman choose to believe? And at what point do we need to start to settle? At 27? At 30? At 40? And as much as I like to think I’m not, does giving these men all these second and third chances mean that I really am already settling?

Do these people really exist?!

Thanksgiving once again brought another trip home to Arizona… oddly enough it wasn’t the standby travel getting there that got to me, it was the Zonies- and more importantly the Zonies looking for a deal! This week I ended up on a search for a new laptop… Turns out my computer had multiple problems with it although I wouldn't have known since I blew something and it refused to turn on anymore!!! So my father had the bright idea for us to pick one up on Black Friday… Now most of you might not know what black Friday is... and that's a very good thing!!! Black Friday is what the retail industry refers to as the day after Thanksgiving. The stores open super early- Circuit City was one of the first to open at 5:00am. Now when my father suggested us getting there early- I was thinking ok at like 9, right? I guess I must have been dreaming with that late of a start time! His response was well if the store opens at 5, then we should be there no later than 4:30... I of course thought this was RIDICULOUS. But not wanting to upset my father when he was getting me a new computer, I agreed to get up at 4 so we can wait in line at the store. I was having visions of that old Mervin's commercial- OPEN OPEN OPEN...

Friday morning arrived and there wasn't a soul on the road... Ha I said to my father- looks like we are the only ones up this early to hit the electronics store. Just wait was his response to my naiveté. As we pulled into the mall parking lot- I was shocked! Not only was the parking lot full, but the line went around the building!!! And when the store opened at 5- look out! Those people went running!! I had never seen adults act like this! You would think they were giving the computers away!!! As soon as we entered the store it was Chaos! People running, and grabbing, and pushing, and shoving. Someone even pulled my poor flip flop right off my feet :(

We finally made our way to the computer section. After waiting roughly an hour in a line that seemed to be going nowhere- we were told that they were out of the computers that we were all waiting for! Out of computers!!! How is that possible!!! So we slowly exited the building with our heads down... our steps a litter slower. After the adventure of getting up early we left the store without a thing!!! Though turns out the store aren't stupid! The sale on Friday was followed by a sale on Saturday... Similar computer and at close to the same price! YAY! And that is why I am able to sit here at the Phoenix airport, waiting patiently for my flight back to phoenix, and am able to recount to all of you my shopping adventures. So lesson of the day- Sleep in the Day after Thanksgiving... because without fail there will be a similar sale the following day! And I'm going to bet another one the day after that :)