Going back to New York for Stephs Funeral opened my eyes to a lot of things… most are still too hard to put into words. And it brought back a lot of memories, as did walking around out old haunts. It’s funny how we take millions of pictures but forget the moments in which they were taken. Sure we can remember the place or the people in them. But we forget how we felt… But then sometimes when we least expect it those forgotten memories sneak up on us. I can’t explain why, but over the last few days I’ve had those millions of memories come flooding back to me. Sitting on the steps of Weinstein, passing the arch in Washington Square Park, eating ice cream at Serendipity it made me very nostalgic for New York, for being in college and for the Hardt that I was in college. I started remembering the dinner parties we use to throw at Steph and Jims (plus the real reason that the screen door broke!). Packing up all my stuff with Lisa and Brian before I moved to Los Angeles, just 3 days before September 11th. The way the city looked at 2am when you would leave the bar and it was all of a sudden transformed under a blanket of white after the first snow. The come with your heart on party at Turnip Theatre every Valentines Day that Steph threw. Those summers wondering through central park with nothing to do but enjoy life. Reading on a rainy days in the indoor garden at the Met. All those horrible Playwrights 3rd year shows and spending Sundays at Tech Rehearsals with Krispy Cream donuts (odd memories I know!). Freshman year when Jonathan was next door (well that hasn’t changed!) and Anne was just down the street. When the hardest thing in my life was getting up in the morning for 8am warm up class (which I attended in my pajamas more than once!). All those Saturdays my Dad would come out just for the day to see one of my shows and we would wonder around the city just the two of us. Taking that horrible trolley home to Water Street every day and the walk up to school through China Town and Little Italy. Drinks at the World Trade Center the weekend of The Niger Trial (it was a play, I’m not a racist!). My graduation lunch at The Boathouse in Central Park where I thought my father was the coolest guy ever because he palmed the hostess to get us a table. Watching Rent with my Mother (I might not be able to remember all the Broadway shows I’ve seen but I will always remember my first!). Running through Battery Park on the weekends when there was no one around. Walking through a blizzard to work in a snow suit (everyone laughed but hey at least I was warm!). That feeling that I could do anything I wanted, be anyone, go anywhere. A time before heartbreak, when I was sure that a prince charming was just around the corner and I couldn’t wait to finally lose my virginity. When a cheese burger and cheese fries at Cozy Soup and Burger could cure everything. And a boat ride to Staten Island would clear my head. Those 2am trips to Coney Island just to see the ocean (even though it was in the middle of winter and snowing out!). Being ok with who I was, where I was going… when I thought I’d never leave New York. Still thought I’d make my first million before I was 30, meet the man of my dreams at 28, get engaged at 29, and then married at 30. When I thought I’d have a bakers dozen of kids running around the city… I know that these memories will always be with me, I have tokens and pictures to remind me, plus friends to reminisce with… if only I could have kept with me that feeling of being invincible, because over the years I’ve lost that naïve NYU Student… instead I’m harden, and realistic, prone to the melodramatic, obsessive, a little insecure… but just for one day I’d like to go back in time and just breath in who I use to be.
