Midgets, Wheels O Alcohol and 40’s…

I haven’t done a bar review on my other blog for a couple of months now… but the bar from last night really deserved getting a write up. First you have to know that I have a tendency to get into trouble when I get into Arizona. Mainly because Mr. Arizona and I use to party the weekends away (oh the memories!). And we had our bar (Handle Bar J’s) that we went to every time, but we also have a selection of additional bars that we would rotate in (Dirty Dogs, Dos Gringos, Sugar Daddies, Martini Ranch) so it’s not surprising that I’ve had a hard time going to those places without him. Just too many memories of the tow of us. So last night when Jamie suggested a different bar I was all for it, and boy was I glad that I did! So here is my review of naughtiest bar in Scottsdale- Giligan’s Sand Bar.

Location- 4 Shots. Just off of Scottsdale Road and located right in the middle of Old Town Scottsdale this place has a perfect location. Great for after dinner or before heading down to the road to Dos Gringos. Plus I was able to get rock star parking out front so I was very happy!

Atmosphere- 4 shots. When you first walk in it looks like any other dive bar. Until you start to look around and realize that it's all for midgets. Midget Bar. Midget Table. Midget Chairs. Even a Midget Sex Swing! There is the “shot” corner that is manned by midgets (I KID YOU NOT). There are two separate wheels, one that is just a wheel o booze and the other one that is a wheel o shots. There are two beer pong tables in the back corner. A strippers Pole. A man in an Obama Mask… oh the list goes on and on with the craziness of this bar. The only thing that was missing was a Beer Louge though I wouldn’t put it past them!

Drinks- 4 shots. Alcohol is cheap… they have multiple beer in UBER LARGE SIZE for only 7 dollars and pitchers for 7.50! Plus if you want to try the wheel o shots it’s only 3 dollars for a shot or 7 dollars for 3!!! Though watch out some of the drinks on the wheel are killers and some are just destined to make you look like an ass- for example the Toilet Plunge Drink served in an acual Toilet Bowl Plunger! Add the 99 cent Jello shots and you have all the ingredients for a really drunken fun night!

Food- 4 shots. The food was large, comforting, fattening, and cheap! If you are drunk and looking for some really damn good cheese fries than head on over! No kidding when I say that plate of fries was the size of a large TV. And with warm cheesy goodness!!!

Bartenders- 4 Shots. Although I didn’t try any mix drinks there were some attractive bartenders and I have to say they were entertaining. There was a microphone and they were yelling totally non-pc insulting things (kind of reminded me of Dicks but EXTREME)… and since I was never picked on I thought it was pretty damn funny!

All in all I have to say a pretty funny evening… and you know it was a fun night when I made quite a few drunken calls and text messages. Sorry to all of you that got the holy goodness it’s a midget ones… Thanks Jamie for a new fun place to visit when I’m in town. And next trip I plan on seeing you all out there spinning that wheel with me and the midgets!

Life of a Standby Traveler on the busiest day of the year… AKA Hardt Hates Holiday Travel

4:30am Alarm goes off
4:35am Coffee
4:45am Second Cup of Coffee
5:30am Arrive at airport. Excited because there is no line at the kiosk so I can check in right away. Insert credit card into the machine- NO RESERVATION it says. Ok, I try looking it up by last name- NO RESERVATION it says. So I proceed directly to the ticket counter. YAY a reservation, turns out my mom couldn’t spell our last name right, it was just hart.
5:45am Stand in the longest line ever for security. Outside. Smack dab in the middle of a puddle. In the rain. With no umbrella. Yea I can already tell this is going to be a great day.
6:00am Make it through security, but am the asshole in the security line that forgot my cell phone in my pocket. Hold up line. Currently everyone is loving me!
6:30am First oversold flight takes off without me. Not a seat to be had… and of course all the monitors are out so I have to trek back through security to find out where my next gate is.
8:00am Third oversold flight of the day takes off, yea you can see a pattern here. Though have been enjoying watching all the angry people at the airport. Who can be this angry at only 8 in the morning! Though I have to say I don’t think it is wise to be an asshole to the ticket agents, especially if you are the one who is an hour late for your flight. But of course he got the last seat on the plan so maybe there is something to this yelling thing after all! Officially hate holiday travel!
8:15am Sitting outside waiting for Super Shuttle to take me from LAX to John Wayne Airport in Orange County. There is a seat on a plane for me...YAY!
8:20am Wondering if it’s too early for a drink?
8:30am Finally on the shuttle bus and we are listening to Christmas music. Things are looking up!
10:00am At John Wayne Airport, FINALLY. 2nd Airport. 2nd Security check point. And a new observation- these new divisions for security check points (family, casual and expert) really do not work. At both airports this morning the shortest lines were the family and liquid lines, and the longest lines were the expert traveler one (and everyone except me had liquids. To which I say- READ THE FREAKIN SIGNS PEOPLE!). But on a bright note I managed to gash my wrist with the ring I am wearing, so now am dripping blood and look like I attempted to kill myself!
11:11am Finally on airplane… getting very very sleepy… nap time!
11:30am Woken up from nap by the most insane turbulence. Half asleep but hear call button and emergency… at this point I’m ready to assume my position with my head between my legs and say a few hail marys if necessary.
1:15pm Finally off the airplane. Kiss the ground in Phoenix and am stumbling to the nearest bar…

Sometimes we just need rose colored glasses

This morning while trying to put the final touches on a new blog for my personal site (top 10 reasons why unemployment sucks) I started to poke around on the Internet and found an article that horrified me. A college student committed suicide live on a web cam over the weekend. Now I’m not going to link the website (in which the camera was only turned off when the police arrived to already find him dead) because I don’t think this guy deserves any more publicity. But here’s the thing, he not only died on camera but there were people that actually watched and were making comments on it while it was happening. And that’s the part that horrifies me the most. The fact that all these people had the ability to save this young kids life and instead they took time to make jokes and debate if he really had taken enough pills to die. I can’t imagine what this kid was going through, but obviously it was a cry for help and he was hoping that someone would save him. And no one cared enough about another human’s life to do anything about it. Mind you there were some that eventually did call the police, but only after it was too late. 12 hours after he said he was going to kill himself. And the website administrators were finally notified and were the ones to deal with the police. But you would think that they would have shut down the site, but no they not only allowed it to continue as people watching a college student already dead but they now have published photos and the video of what happened. The entire thing just disgust me on so many levels

It really got me to thinking that there is just so much negativity in the world. So much cynicism. So much narcissism. Sometimes all we need is a hug and to be told everything is going to be all right. Well I can’t tell you that everythings going to be all right and I don’t think my virtual hug is going to help much. But I can give you a list of everything that makes me smile. Ok it’s a little sappy. But sometimes we just need to turn up the optimism. So sitting here on my Saturday morning here’s everything that can bring a smile to my face. Maybe it will bring one to yours too. Maybe you will just sneer at it. Who knows. But for me, I’m going out with a grin!

- Evenings with my girlfriends full of laughter, wine, and cheese

- Sex on a lazy Saturday morning… Mmmmm enough said on that one!
- Afternoons spent on the beach with just a surfboard and a beer.
- The moment you land on vacation, when anything is possible.
- A Hug from my mother
- The first dip in ocean when you no longer need your wetsuit
- They way your heart skips a beat every time you hear his voice
- A great road trip with that really fantastic road trip mix
- Jumping in feet first, anywhere!
- A good book on a rainy afternoon
- Bruises and bite marks after a good weekend
- Sunday evenings spent in front of a fire, with a movie and someone to cuddle with.
- Saying I love you, and meaning it!
- The beep of a text message
- The first kiss, that really good one.
- A good debate.
- Cards in the mail. I get so much junk mail so that when someone sends me a card I’m in heaven. And if it’s a postcard from an exotic locale I will love them forever.
- Holding hands walking down the street
- The feel of the Arizona Sun on you.
- The smell of the ocean
- The way as soon as I see San Diego I feel like I’m finally home
- Being able to fit into a size jeans smaller than the last I bought
- Shoes. Best way to cheer me up is take me shoe shopping. Just put me in a pair of fuck me heels and I’m sold!
- That smile that just won’t go away after that perfect first date.
- Mimosas. Any day of the week!
- A good scary movie and someone whose lap I can jump into when I’m scared.
- When someone kisses the back of my shoulder when I’m sleeping…
- Skinny dipping.
- Watching the sun set over the ocean. Any ocean.
- A new hit on my blog.
- My camera… damn do I ever love taking pictures!
- Kickboxing. There is something about boxing all your demons out that really makes me smile!
- Finding 5 dollars in last years winter coat
- Getting a person on the phone instead of a recording when you call customer service.
- And pretty much anything involving my family and friends!!!

So go forth on your Saturday and smile to your hearts desire because there always is tomorrow to be cynical and jaded. Why not spend one day with your rose colored glasses on!

Cinderella goes to the ball!

Here is the story of how Mr. Military took this Cinderella to the ball, The United States Marine Corps Ball that is.

When Mr. Military found out that I would be down in San Diego for the weekend he invited me to be his guest as the Marine Corps Ball. He had suddenly this week found himself without a date and due to the fact that I look good in a cocktail dress and have an aversion to both guns and the military he thought that I would be a fun date. And I thought about men in white dress uniform looking dapper and sexy… well turns out that the Marine Corps has navy dress uniforms, and although the did look pretty dapper in the them with white gloves and little hats, I was most interested in the woman that they came with. Now these woman, military girlfriends and wives were a different sort than I was use to, and well a species all unto themselves. It was obvious that for many of them this was the highlight of their year… and it was painfully obvious that many of them were so young they thought of this ball as another prom or a glorified night out clubbing. The dresses ran the gamut from full on prom gowns (some complete with gloves and tacky plastic shoes!) to a white ballerina outfit (I kid you not it was a white corset top and a very shot tutu on the bottom) to a mermaid green skintight ass short dress that was more appropriate on a tranny hooking herself on Hollywood Blvd than a formal military ball.

But despite the inappropriateness of many of the dates what I walked away from the evening with was the deep sense of tradition that these men have. It was the 233rd Anniversary of the Marines, and with fitting of a “birthday” of this magnitude there were speeches and birthday cake! Though I did have to contain myself from laughing each time one of the men wished another happy birthday… Luckily Mr. Military finally explained it to me, otherwise I’m sure I would have made an idiot of myself and asked one of them about their “birthday”… But despite my confusion with some of the rituals (and my distaste for the Commandants speech, which seemed more like a recruiting video at it’s worst) I have to say my favorite part of the evening was the tradition of the cake. First I have to say that the cake is cut by an actually SWORD which is pretty freakin cool all by itself, but after it is cut the oldest marine in the squadron (Born September 20, 1961) took a bite and then passed it to the youngest marine (Born December 12, 1989). A passing of the sword so to speak. And maybe it might have been my exhausted, hungover and emotional state but it started to bring a tear to my eye.

Now though if the first part of the evening was about tradition and history the end part of was about youth and tackiness. Let me tell you about the dancing, more specifically let’s go back to my favorite hooker tranny wannabe in the mermaid dress who decided to try out her new stripper moves on the dance floor. She would have looked more appropriate dancing at Crazy Horse, but instead she was gyrating right in front of the commanding officers table. Pretty shortly after a few girl on girl moves a crowd had formed around her. And as I looked around the room you could see everyone staring at her with a horrified expression on their face, it was like a train wreck- you just couldn’t look away! But what caught my attention most was the Commanding Officers Wife. Unlike most of the woman in the room she was dressed with class, befitting an officer of his caliber and was busy trying to convince him to tell this woman to stop dancing. And seeing as he was hesitant to say anything she did what everyone else in the room wanted to do, she walked right up to our mermaid hooker and told her it was time to stop that dancing. I almost stood up and applauded.

Seeing as the floor show was over, Mr. Military and I got up and left the ball. But on the drive home I was struck by two things, one was that all these young men would give their life for this country. But on the flip side I also was stuck by the idea that all these young men, some 10 years younger than me, would also kill for this country. And at the end of an evening watching them interact with the people that they loved the most, that was a really sobering thought.

Semper Fidelis!

Don't forget...

Today was the funeral for one of my best friends while I was in high school… we’ve lost touch over the years. But sitting here this afternoon I can’t remember exactly why. Maybe it was distance. Maybe it was time. Maybe it was we’ve changed so much from the people that we once were. But until recently we kept up to date with each others life through myspace, as we are all seem to do with old friends… had tried to go to various Buck-O-Nine concerts over the years but just haven’t been able to make it happen. She died suddenly last week, complications due to diabetes that she didn’t even know that she had. She was only 30… and it got me to thinking about her and all the friends I have lost touch with. Some due to circumstances, some due to choice, and some sadly due to fate.

Monica and I had a tendency to get ourselves into trouble back in the days. The time she baked pot brownies for our Senior 6 to 6. Or all those Friday nights selling football programs for my father. Or maybe the best was the time we decided to put a spell on a boy to fall in love with me. I don’t remember the boy, though I do remember that it didn’t work! But that was Monica for you. Always ready to jump in and create a little mischief with me. All those years at Soma to see bands (any ska band that came to town could find us in front row skanking), days of switching clothing (we were the same size and both into our faux punk look), weekends spent at debate tournaments (yea we both were geeks) and at various play rehearsals… She really was there to shape my high school life and I sit here today devastated that I allowed so many years to go by… too many years. And yet too late to do anything about it.

Last year I lost someone who was one of my best friends and I said that I wouldn’t let years and distance come between friends again. But I once again have gotten lazy… I’ve lost touch with more friends this year. I often have a tendency to shrink into my head and not let anyone in. So learn from me. Tell those that you love that you love them. Pick up that phone and call the friend you haven’t talked to in days, months, years- it doesn’t matter. Send that facebook request to your bestie from the good old days… whatever it takes to make it happen. Because we all have lost too many people in our lives to stay complacent about it. To all my friends, I love you all. You mean more to me than most of you even know… and now I think it’s time to get out of my head, out of my past, and out of my emotions and get back to living life. I will see you all soon… and as for tonight, the first shots for Monica.